Flogging a Dead Horse

So far, in the past two months baseball has out-sportmanshipped the NBA on two HUGE occasions. The LeBron James "Decision" was classless, and the fact that he didn't tell the franchise that brought him up, made him who he was today, and paid him millions upon millions of dollars, of his intentions was just a big middle finger to the fans, players and front office of that organization. Let’s stop saying he didn’t go to Miami for the money, he went there to win. He only took $15M less there, than he would have got had he stayed in Cleveland, and with no state income tax in Florida, that more than makes up for the lost money. So it wasn’t a sacrifice, what money he left on the table is made up for lack of income tax. Also, can we please stop portraying someone who just signed a six year $110M contract as someone who made a “sacrifice?” Maybe he could play for how much I make a year and then talk to me about sacrifice. So, how did baseball out-sportsmanship the NBA? Let’s take a look at the Galarraga perfect game. One out left to go in the bottom of the ninth inning and Galarraga beats the base-runner to first base, he’s out, perfect game, right? Wrong. Jim Joyce, the first base umpire called the runner safe, it was counted as an infield hit, and this kid loses probably his only chance at getting a perfect game. Showing an incalculable amount of class, Jim Joyce watches the replay after the game, admits he was at fault, apologizes publicly, and even goes as far as to petition MLB to change the call. Instead of being a prima-donna, Galarraga accepts Joyce’s apology and the next night delivers the line-up card to him, shakes his hand and the two share a moment. That’s something that never happens in the NBA. Example two, speaking as a Red Sox fan, let me just say, the passing of George Steinbrenner, is not a glorious moment for anyone, sure, the devil might now have company in Hell, but that’s beside the point. I’m kidding. Honestly kidding when I say that. He was a great philanthropist, wonderful leader, an all-around good human being, quite possibly the best owner in sports history, and the world is a little bit emptier with his passing. How did baseball out-class the NBA with his passing? The Boston Red Sox held a moment of silence in his honor. In the honor of a Yankee great! That shows true sportsmanship and class. They put the game above themselves and honored someone who truly did more than he had to do to help the game. I don’t even know if NBA players know how to put the game above themselves, they somehow lose that knowledge in the transition from the college to the professional levels. Could you imagine the Boston Celtics holding a moment of silence for Jerry Buss when he passes? It would never happen.
I know I’ve beaten this subject to death, my specialty is flogging dead horses, but it pains me that the NBA is so much more popular than the MLB. The class and sportsmanship I see in baseball are unrivaled, okay, maybe Golf has a leg up on us. However, I think this speaks volumes about our society. We’re turning in to a bunch of impatient, classless, blood-thirsty cretins, who can’t stand to sit and watch a great chess-match between a hall-of-fame pitcher and a hall-of-fame batter, because it takes too long. Give us no rules, cage match fighting and 400 pound men in pants that are too tight playing a game for eight seconds at a time, cause that’s all the attention span we can muster, it makes me sick.
‘Nuff Said.

My Daily (Whatever the Antonymn of Affirmation is)

I recently watched a video on Youtube called “Jessica’s Daily Affirmation”. The positiveness of it made me want to vomit. So, I decided to do something similar, just with my own spin on it. I’m going to be honest, I got this idea from comedian Daniel Tosh on his show Tosh.0. So, without further adieu, here is my first ever “I Hate” blog.
• I hate the Yankees
• I hate my job
• I hate the tea party
• I hate Verizon
• I hate when someone does bunny ears in a picture
• I hate when someone takes a surprise photograph of you
• I hate when people take too many pictures
• I hate it when I’m driving on the freeway and someone starts drifting in my lane
• I hate it when you’re driving in the fast lane going 75 on a two-lane highway and the diesel in the right lane decides he’s going to pass the diesel in front of him because the guy in front of him can only go 43 miles per hour, while he is cruising at 47, so he gets over right in front of me to pass the other guy. (This is particularly annoying when there isn’t anyone behind me for miles.)
• I hate waiting for people to get ready
• I hate Geico and Progressive commercials, the googly eye stack of money isn’t funny, it never was
• I hate that freecreditreport.com decided they needed to change their band, they were fine the way they were, don’t fix what isn’t broken
• I hate soccer
• I hate that I need a degree to achieve my career goals and it keeps getting harder to become a teacher in the state of Utah, meanwhile every pedophile and creep can somehow get jobs as teachers and then everyone is surprised when they get busted having an inappropriate relationship with one of their students or child pornography on their computer
• I hate Mad TV
• I hate Scrubs
• I hate Larry the Cable Guy
• I hate Jeff Dunham
• I hate Jeff Foxworthy
• I hate Bill Engvall
• I hate people who love these comedians, yet they haven’t ever heard of comedians like Mike Birbiglia or Demetri Martin, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour isn’t funny, neither is Akhmed, “I keel you,” isn’t funny, if you haven’t heard anything by Mike Birbiglia, I don’t respect your comedic opinion, if you think any of the afore mentioned “comedians” are funny, I don’t respect your opinion period
• I hate Creed
• I hate Christian rock
• I hate Daughtery
• I hate American Idol
• I hate Dave Matthews Band
• I hate that stupid Owl City song about fireflies that plays on the radio every 17 seconds
• I hate country music
• I hate Toby Keith
• I hate Edward
• I hate Jacob
• I hate Twilight, let’s face it, this is just the new dime novel, wish Van Hellsing would do us all a favor and put an arrow from his cross bow through that fagot vampire's heart
• I hate touching moments interfering with my sporting events
• I hate the UFC
• I hate MMA
• I hate the WNBA, if I want to see a group of basketball players missing shots at point blank range, I’ll go to my local Gold’s Gym, it’s free-er
• I hate Gold’s Gym
• I hate the World Cup, I’m glad it’s over, finally ESPN can start reporting on real sports
• I hate NASCAR
• I hate Lady Gaga
• I hate fat chicks that dress skanky and then say things like, “I’m just proud of what God gave me.” Pretty sure it wasn’t God, think Dave Thomas had more to do with it, God rest his soul
• I hate parents that have kids, that they have no intention of ever being responsible for. We go through boot camp to get a driver license, yet the opportunity to destroy a human being from birth is completely free, sounds like it’s time for the government to step in
• I hate blogs
• I hate bloggers
• I hate blogging
Okay, I’m pretty sure I’ve offended everyone, if you feel left out, take solace in this, there’s a pretty good chance that deep down, I hate something about you. If you’re still reading, it’s your turn, tell me what you hate. I look forward to hearing from you, even those cyber stalkers that I know read my blog because I see the stats piling up, yet none of you are leaving comments. I hate that the most.
‘Nuff Said.

R.I.P. 1891-2010

I was watching the Miami celebration last night for the acquisition of LeBron James, Chris Bosh and the re-signing of Dwayne Wade. They haven’t even won a game together and they are acting like they broke the record for most consecutive NBA championships. I’m speaking as a fan of the game, not a fan of that league. I do have my favorite NBA team, the Boston Celtics, but I rarely sit down to watch, and I’m not a fan to the point of using terms like us, we or them. So, I think I’m writing this from a pretty level-headed perspective. I’m trying to be as objective as I can and as unbiased as possible. What I saw last night was really more of a sound that I heard. It was the last strand of credibility the NBA has breaking. For those of you that read my last blog about the NBA you know the set-up which has led to this fall. Sure, the NBA will still be popular, but after last night, it really shouldn’t be. It’s turned into a reality T.V. show, professional wrestling. Come autumn, they may as well just give the players foldable chairs to beat each other up with during games. I don’t want to go into any detail about the celebration, but go look it up, you will be appalled, if you have any sense in you at all. The NBA lost all credibility it had left with the shenanigans of the LeBron James signing. It has proven this is not a team sport at the NBA level, and is becoming more reminiscent of professional wrestling than it is of Michael Jordan’s NBA.
Kobe Bryant. There’s a man who can now sleep a little better at night. The debate has been settled. Who’s the best player in the NBA? Kobe Bryant. There’s not a debate anymore. He stuck it out when times got tough, he didn’t have the best front office either. He demanded a trade, but come on people, Los Angeles is a destination, like New York in baseball, or New England in Football. You don’t demand to be traded if you’re the best player in the league playing for the best team in the league. This demand was really just to get his front office people moving on getting some players around him. In other words, he worked with what he had. He loves Los Angeles, you can tell. When all is said and done he did not, nor did he ever want to, leave Los Angeles. The true ‘King’ builds his kingdom. He does not move in with another ‘King’ and hope that things will work out. King Bryant, to me, sounds much better than King James, cause after all, what did he give us, historically? A version of the bible written by Shakespeare. Yeah, a Hollywood adaptation, (I realize Hollywood was not around at the time, but if it were that’s where Shakespeare would have been) of the bible. Literally, taking it from its purest form and destroying it, corrupting it. King James wanted it to be more poetic, that’s why he commissioned Shakespeare. You have to take the good with the bad. The bible was written rough, because it was supposed to be. It takes a bit of piss to make victory taste as sweet as it does. The 2007 Boston Celtics and the current Miami Heat are the culmination of what our society has become. They don’t want to build for anything. They don’t think patience is important, they want it all, and they want it now.
This was the first time in the history of sports that a player has held, not only his league, but the entire sports world hostage. Sure, there was Brett Favre, but that wasn’t nearly as bad. There was Tiger Woods, but he really just held golf hostage. Golf isn’t a team sport anyway, it is all about one man (or woman, cool it bleeding hearts). So, it’s okay for one person to hold golf hostage. Has this ever happened in the NHL? Gretzky? I don’t think so, he traded teams, but no one really cared. Hockey is a team sport, it isn’t about one man. In the MLB you had Reggie Jackson moving from Oakland to New York, that was a big deal, but not nearly this big. Because these are team sports. These last few weeks have shown us that the NBA cares more about individuals rather than teams, making this not a team sport. So let’s all stop being hypocrites, shall we? My favorite team is the Boston Paul Pierces. Who’s your favorite team? Do you like the Los Angeles Kobe Bryants? Or how about the Oklahoma City Kevin Durants? Perhaps you’re a fan of the Orlando Dwight Howards? Or maybe even the Miami LeBron Jamesesesssss? Can’t do that in any other sport can you? The New York Derek Jeters? No, that’s a team, they’re the Yankees. The Pittsburgh Sidney Crosbys? No, they’re the Penguins. Okay, here’s one, the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings? NO! You see, even the most obvious one in the NFL, the one who has the biggest impact on his franchise is not above the game. They are the Colts. No one in any other sport is above the game, it happens all the time in the NBA. Basketball, your credibility is dwindling.
I don’t think I could have made a blog entry about the NBA without mentioning Michael Jordan. Fans of the game say his name with reverence. He is quite possibly the most famous athlete that has ever lived. Sure, he left Chicago, twice. I don’t feel this damages his legacy. Once was because his father died, and he wanted to honor him by trying his hand at his father’s favorite sport. When that didn’t work out he went right back to Chicago. He left again, and he came back again. This time for the Wizards. He didn’t go to a powerhouse, he came back because he loved the game of basketball. He wanted to play. In Chicago, he didn’t jump ship when things looked rough. They added small pieces every year. He got beat up by Detroit three years in a row. He wanted to be the guy everyone looked to. Everyone knew he was getting the last shot, and he still made it. He put a mediocre franchise on his back and carried it to six NBA championships. James couldn’t do that. Wade? Nope. Jordan was a winner, but he didn’t forsake teamwork to become it.
Sleep tight Mike. Rest easy Kobe. Though the league you both have in common is turning into a freak show, a 30 ring circus, you truly are kings of the court. Your legacies, for now, are intact and safe. Russell’s 11 will not be matched for some time. I’m calling for a boycott of the NBA. Please join me. I’m going to bridge the gap between the football and baseball seasons with hockey. It really is only the fans who can let the league know how we feel. Stop watching the games, stop attending them, don’t visit the websites. We need to let them know how we feel, cheated and treated like children. The only sad thing about this is the death in the family. He was young and so full of life, hope and optimism. He grew into a strong young adult and had his hay day in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and most of the 90s. In the late 90s he began to slip, toward the end it was looking pretty bleak. We’ll always have the memories of him to keep us going. Let’s try to look back on the better days, and not remember these last few years where he was a bitter, forgetful old man. Do us a favor now, and rest in peace. Here lies the integrity of the game of basketball; 1891-2010.

It's Precisely My Sense of Humor That Keeps Me From Laughing at That, When Someone Provides Humor, I Will Sense It

I noticed that my sense of humor is not an easy one to grasp. It can be dry, satirical, sarcastic, crass, rude, crude, vulgar, offensive, racist, sacrilegious, irreverent, goofy, dumb, obvious, haughty, immature, facetious, deceitful, nerdy, geeky, sexist, honest, blasphemous, heretical, mean, hurtful and a variety of other things. However, I never do or say anything, with humor in mind, with any amount of malice in my heart, or the intention to hurt anyone on my mind. Now, having said that, I can’t stand spending time with people who don’t get my sense of humor. Maybe the problem is me, maybe I don’t have anything funny to say. Everyone thinks they’re funny, most of them are not. However, I have found people that have senses of humor that mesh well with my own, this is something special that only we can share. We work well off of each other and the chaos that ensues is glorious and beautiful. There are four people in this world who have senses of humor that I feel mix with mine the best, I call them the four horsemen, okay I don’t, but I do now. They know who they are, so I don’t have to go into any detail, but when I’m with one of these people, I cherish every moment of it. I have never been with all four of them at the same time. If that were to happen, I’m pretty sure the world would stop spinning on its axis and go into a coma due to comedic delirium. Now that I think about it, their senses of humor wouldn’t mesh well together, maybe it would just be me going into the coma.
No matter who you are, you have a sense of humor. Some people have dull or bland senses of humor. These people are often accused of having no sense of humor. They still do, it just isn’t a very good sense of humor. I was recently in a situation where I was with said people, or perhaps just a group of people who didn’t get my sense of humor. I’m going to go over two situations with this group and I will let you be the judge. The first situation is a two part situation; in the first part, I was at a gathering and decided to use a line that, one of the four horsemen mentioned earlier uses on a frequent basis. We’ve all seen “The Princess Bride,” you know that famous line where Wallace Shawn proclaims, “stop rhyming I mean it!” And Andre the Giant famously retorts, “anybody want a peanut?” Well, this particular horseman changes the wording to say, “stop rhyming I mean this.” Where automatically the person retorting begins with, anybody want a, but stops dead in mid-sentence, because what naturally comes next is the word penis. I don’t know if this is funny, but I think it is. I delivered the line and was greeted with a roomful of crickets. Nothing. The next day, around similar but somewhat different company, I thought I would give the line one last try. This time it was greeted with silence for about three seconds that seemed like minutes until someone finally says, “don’t you mean, stop rhyming I mean it?” I found humor in their lack of grasping this humor. So, am I right in this situation? You be the judge. The next situation is with the same gathering of people, as the night was spiraling into a hopeless chasm of humorless despair, I dug deep and pulled out a line that I feel is comedic gold, another line from one of my four horsemen. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? I got courtesy laughs. It was at this point that I decided to stop trying my sense of humor on this particular group of individuals. I’m not blaming them for not understanding my sense of humor, different people laugh at different things. Two of my four horsemen like Napoleon Dynamite for crying out loud, NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!!! Yes, one of, if not, the worst movie of all time.
So, maybe I’m not very funny, but laughter and humor is one of the most important things in my life. I’m not saying people are awful for not getting my sense of humor, I’m not even saying I don’t like being around these people. I’m just saying when I am, I’m a duck out of water. I would rather surround myself with people who have senses of humor that mesh well with mine. When I’m there, I’m a circular peg going into an oblong hole (that’s what she said). I’m more comfortable when I’m fitting in seamlessly, I fit in seamlessly with the misfits. You know? The people who haven’t been able to fit in seamlessly anywhere else. That’s home, and where my home is, we’re currently not accepting applications, there aren’t any openings, and when we do bring on a new person, it never works out. I’m not saying I won’t be able to someday give someone a chance, but I’m good for right now. I’m happy where I fit in, and with the people I fit in with. Is that so wrong of me? In the end, isn’t that what everyone wants? A place to feel at home? I’m going to end this entry with quite possibly the funniest knock-knock joke you’ve ever heard in your entire life.
Are you ready for it?
Okay.
You Start. (Thanks for that Cody, you see my humor comes from a vast variety of senses of humor, so though I’ll always miss more than I hit, I know of a few people that think I’m pretty funny.)
Until next time, ‘Nuff Said.